sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
