I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
