Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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