Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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