And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
