i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
