I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
