I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
