you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
