Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
