Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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