sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just puked most of my soul out..
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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