Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
