need another drink. this is the easiest way
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
