I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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