if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
