Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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