Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
