If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
