mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
did i walk over a car last night?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
