omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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