wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
