someone threw a dead crab at me
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
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