Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
