I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
