This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
