I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
