Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
