Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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