my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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