I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
