i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
