how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
