Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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