Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
