God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I CAN MOONWALK!
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
