FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
