Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
