remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
When did angry sex become our thing?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
