We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
