I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
