i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
only if we run a train.
done.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
