sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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