actually, I'm a sock model
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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