she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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