Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
