She said her name was "party"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
