he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
