just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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