You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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